Well, folks, this might be my least productive season ever. I’m like Andi’s hairdresser: I show up unannounced every other week and I do a terrible job when I arrive. I’d apologize, but who’d listen? I appreciate the empathetic messages I get intermittently from fellow trial attorneys coming up for air and I’m also grateful for the sympathetic messages from the non-attorneys out there with busy lives of their own. Again, if this gig put water in the pool and beer in the ‘fridge, I’d be here every day. If and until then, we’ll all have to settle.
Andi, Andi, Andi. Let’s talk about Andi.
With the exception of one reader (Mr. Ishrar) it seems that my assessment of Andi as a marginally attractive, insecure ball buster is universally shared by my audience. Birds of a feather, I suppose. Well, either that or she actually IS a marginally attractive, insecure ball buster. As we say down here in Texas, that distinction is six in one, a half dozen in the other. Put another way, a rose by any other name is still a marginally attractive, insecure, ball busting rose. Shakespeare wrote that (sort of) so it must be true.
In light of my lack of time, this post will mirror my last Bachelorette post in that it will be more of a mish mash of my thoughts rather than a point-by-point breakdown of the episode.
This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that I have tons of thoughts on the last two shows, but that would be a big fat lie. The truth is, Andi bores me to the point of catatonia and it’s like everything I can like do to like watch her like try to like fall in love or whatever. Add the fact that the remaining dudes are more depressing than a Flemish painting, and you see my dilemma. Still, I’m going to make fondue from this bunch of cheese balls.
|I LOVE THEE, ANDI. BUT I LOVE THEE TOO, ANDI.|
Let’s go guy by guy, shall we?
Cody. Look, I know half of you are trying to remember who Cody is while the other half of you would have forgotten him but for the big announcement that he plans to join the other “stars” on the Bachelor in Paradise.
If you recall, an especially heartless Andi let this Neanderthal ramble on for what seemed like hours about his feelings before eventually breaking down into tears and kicking him to the curb—at dinner no less. Cody and his deep v-neck and magical electric sport coat were relegated to a hungry, heartbroken walk of shame amongst the gorgeous Italian backdrop. Sigh. . . . I’ll give the guy credit for trying the hard close, but she just wasn’t ready to be convinced.
Granted, I know she was probably goaded into silence by whatever producer stood hawkishly off camera while that blood bath was materializing, but geez. We all know that every Bachelorette has the ability to stray from “the rules” and make an executive decision every now and then.
Sparing a guy who—in her own words—always made her smile the abject humiliation of getting castrated in front of millions of people was probably a good reason to use her Bachelorette Rule Breaker Trump Card. Cody was a lot of things; one of which was a nice guy. Sure, he over tanned, frosted his thinning hair, and looked like Macklemore, but he certainly didn’t deserve the slow death she gave him. The bad news is that he never made it to Belgium. The even worse news is that his 15 minutes isn’t over yet.
Nick. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I actually like Nick. Sure, he’s overly talkative, annoyingly analytical, and hyper competitive. However, in and of themselves, the aforementioned characteristics aren’t necessarily bad qualities to have. The problem for Nick is that he’s stuck in the middle of a 10 week sword fight with a bunch of intellectually inferior alpha males, all of whom are rightfully threatened by his presence.
Can anyone point to anything this guy has done “wrong” this season? From where I’m sitting I see a self-assured guy doing everything he can to win the affections of a girl he appears to like. Now, whether he likes her because she’s currently verboten or because he’s into sloppily maintained former prosecutors remains to be seen, but he’s out playing the rest of the field and they all know it. Between Farmer Chris’ incessant whining and Basketball Brian’s nonsensical accusations of gamesmanship, I had no time to write jokes about Nick’s scarf.
Clearly, Andi is interested. He earned the group date rose in Babe Ruth-esque fashion by calling his home run shot very early in the date. I will admit that he gives off a creepy Buffalo Bill Gumb vibe, but I’ll chalk that up to a sense of urgency rather than any diagnosable psychological disorder.
|RIGHT INTO THE FANTASY SUITE|
However, if we find out from his Milwaukee hometown that he’s basically a loner with maternal abandonment issues, an abusive father, and had a tendency to torture the family dog, I’ll change my mind. Andi puts the lotion in the basket or she gets the hose again.
Farmer Chris. I like this guy less and less each week. My guess is that Andi feels the same way. The best exchange in next week’s hometowns based on the previews occurs when Andi knowingly asks Chris while sitting in an Iowa cornfield, “what would I do for work out here?” His response—a classic, by the way—“there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Translation: I’m not moving from Atlanta to Iowa. Nice chatting with you.
Incidentally, I think we’d all agree that there’s nothing wrong with being a homemaker in Iowa—or anywhere else for that matter—provided both parties are on board. Andi is just not on board. Frankly, I think if given the choice she’d rather take her chances at being fattened up and having her flesh turned into a swatch by serial killer Nick than land squarely on her feet in the middle of Iowa. Say what you will about sociopaths but they’re never boring to be around. Farmers from Iowa on the other hand . . . .
Basketball Brian. Is there any doubt that he was kept around by Andi because he’s a nice guy? Is there any doubt that he was eliminated for the same reason? He made a good showing despite engaging in some unnecessary whining with Dylan about Nick’s “strategy.” He was likely over Andi by the time Belgian Air flight 353 touched down in Allentown, Pennsylvania. He’ll be married to the Home Ec teacher inside of a year.
Dylan. To say he’s had a rough couple of years in his life would be an understatement. In light of that, I’ll forgive his haircut and wish him well. It’s regretful that that the only real burst of personality we saw out of him all season occurred in the final segment of the show while he chased Basketball Brian around with a pickle. As weird as that was, perhaps if he had shown Andi his pickle he’d still be around.
Josh M. He’s literally the only dude who refused to fawn over Andi like a fat kid over one of those oversized, circular, rainbow colored lollipops you win at the carnival. It’s abundantly clear that she buys his low-key former jock act on every level. The previews seem to foretell some tension between Andi and the Fam Damily next week. If any of you think that will make a damn bit of difference, you’re delusional. He’s going to the Fantasy Suite where he’ll hit the biggest home run of his former baseball career.
Marcus. Be honest, ladies. Does Marcus’ incessant, insecure, unapologetic, and unrelenting fawning really make him attractive? “Grow a pair, dude,” was all I could think as he was talking to—no, begging—Andi to choose him. If desperation was Rogaine the guy would have a full head of hair in no time. Andi seemed to eat it up, however. Whatever gets you the next level, I guess.
Let me clarify for the sake of my own edification. I’m not suggesting that a “real man” has to keep his feelings close to his scarf and v-neck. Indeed, real men don’t wear v-necks and scarves. However, I think women appreciate confidence. Nick’s “I can feel that you have feelings for me” speech last night was an example. Granted, it was manipulative and presumptuous, but it told Andi that he’s there to close the deal. Marcus seemed to flounder around his playpen in a soggy diaper tripping over his stuffed animals.
So where do we go from here?
I’d be willing to bet that Nick and Josh are the final two. The hometown will spell Chris’ demise and Marcus won’t out macho Nick or Josh in the final three. Who wins? Josh. Hands down.
Well, there it is. As we head in to hometowns next week we’ve got the big Fourth of July holiday weekend ahead of us. I, for one, will be relaxing by the pool with a cold Lone Star in hand before enjoying the fireworks. All a person has to do these days is turn on the news to see that the fact that we have the choice to voluntarily subject ourselves to the televised tail hunt known as The Bachelorette rather than running away from bombs and machetes makes us incredibly lucky.
Take a moment to realize that this weekend. Enjoy yourselves, travel safely, and I’ll see you back here next week. In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be chasing people around with my pickle. DP